When You Hate the Human Experience

woman looking up at stormy sky

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”
– Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Today, I hate the human experience.  Today I curse the day I decided to take form in this body, live this life.  Why? What possessed me to come and do this now? Again?

I want to disappear. Vaporize into pure spirit. Go back to the before.  I want to float out of my body and drift weightlessly, boundlessly free of the emotions that surge through it.

I desperately want to unite with the all-encompassing bliss I was lucky enough, once – just once – to feel after a weekend spiritual retreat.  The warming, flooding perfect joy that shuts out all else; that is pure love, or God, or whatever you choose to call it.  I want THAT again. Now.  But it eludes me.

Today after my husband finds fault with me yet again after I feel I’ve tried so hard to change I feel like giving up.  Today after my business isn’t where I want it to be after six years I feel like throwing in the towel.  Today after yelling at my kid who doesn’t seem to appreciate the mothering I actually do have time to do I feel like “why bother?”

I’m not even the suicidal type.  No way I’m running the risk of offing myself only to have to come back one more time and repeat the same lessons.  No, I’m too rational for that.  And too smart.  And very chicken.

Today I feel like a raging failure.  Today I can almost convince myself I actually am one.

A little voice whispers that I’m not.  The same voice points to all the evidence of success – at least on human terms – around me and tells me to hang in there.  It reassures me, like a small but wise child, that this is not all for nothing.

But it hurts, this human experience, and that’s the rub.  After all, the point is to experience – and that includes experiencing pain.  Yes, it sucks.  Royally, rawly sucks sometimes.

So I don’t resist when the ache wells in my chest and the anger and desperation pours out in tears.  I simply cry and finally, mercifully, drift off to a fitful sleep.

This isn’t the first time I’ve hated the human experience, and it won’t be the last.  Billions have it worse off than me.  They have daily reason to hate it.  I think of them and my heart softens.  If those spirits can come and choose to persist in the face of starvation, war, rape, destruction and violence day in and day out, surely I can go on with my relatively trauma-free, cushy life.

And yes, it’s all relative.  Pain is pain.  Still at times like this, it helps to remember those moments during which I’ve also LOVED the human experience, and to be infinitely grateful I’ve had any.

Today the truest thing I can do – the only thing that feels right – is to write this.

What do you do when you hate the human experience? What carries you through?

  • Trista

    I couldn’t have said it better myself! I was reading it aloud to my husband and had to pause for quite sometime when I got to the part about the little voices. I couldn’t finish reading it without tears. I feel the exact same way, just had one of those days over the weekend. 🙁 If you find what we’re looking for, please share! lol

  • Karen Talavera

    Thank you so much for reading, and feeling, and yes – I will most definitely share! That’s the whole point of this blog because along the journey when nothing else helps what always succeeds is knowing we’re not going it alone.

  • Dana

    Okay, I started to read the words and didn't even get throught the second paragraph before tears started welling up and falling down my cheeks. I just had one of those awful days this past weekend, virtually every word in this blog went through my head/heart just yesterday. Considering our feelings, thoughts and words are energy, I believe by you voicing your feelings and thoughts into written words and by those of us reading those words (and sharing our own words) of being able to *completely* relate, we are – in a more liberal sense — merging our energies into being One. 🙂

    I find that if I am having a particularly rotten human day, I try to isolate myself from everything/everyone that's compounding the suffering (with their words, attitudes, energies, etc.) and try to purge the negative energies with a cleansing meditation. However, BEING the human that I currently am, I don't *always* do it, SO I ultimatley end up on my knees — after the shame of allowing myself to become so overcome with the negative stuff that just does not matter — and tell God (or Pure Love) I'm sorry, and ask for forgiveness for sending out my *own* negative energies into the Universe and for the strength to “do better the next time the [painful] opportunity for growth comes 'round again.”

  • Thanks for reading and commenting, I can totally relate as you know. The irony is we are so often caught up in our own minds, trapped by thought, which is why it's so important to BE rather than THINK when we want change or transformations. Your cleansing meditations are a way of BE-ing that obviously help, but I get it, sometimes I'm on the treadmill of my mind thinking about being rather than “just doing it!”. However you get out of a slump, always, always forgive yourself. We're always hardest on ourselves in the end. Peace to you.

  • I’m sorry things are hard 🙁  I can totally relate. John Welwood said “We are not just humans learning to become buddhas, but also buddhas waking up in human form, learning to become fully human.” I love this, and I try to remember it when I hate the human experience. The truth is that you CAN feel that bliss again, it just takes practicing letting go of the mental story. I say that like I I know how to do that 🙂 That’s what I hear, anyway!